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My life as I know it will never be the same

My life as I know it will never be the same

I just finished reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.

Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.


Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. In any case, I went to college at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and understudies prided themselves on their capacity to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.


I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.


I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.


Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.

Fast forward...marriage, .two conceptions, both during which I totally abstained, and never missed it. As I got older, the stress of taking care of my parents and my sick child while dealing with my partner's lack of interest and poor temperament altered my ritual of having wine leisurely to a more frequent consumption.


My husband got addicted to a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of alcohol...and shortly a nocturnal habit to crack one or two... Privately, I started mixing my own alcoholic beverages and hiding the glass in my baking cupboard.

After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.


Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. With a couple of hugs as the only physical aspect of the affair yet it was as passionate and exciting compared to most relationships with a lot of emphasis on a physical connection. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.


I was more jovial than I had ever been. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.

My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.

I am so embarrassed as I think back over my life. Series of my drunken journey:

  • Getting completely pounded last Christmas at a mixed drink party
  • Squandered at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fuming messages on my iPhone
  • Screaming fits in the presence of my kids
  • Boxing my husband in the face
  • A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I feel like I am returning back home.